I’m BAAACCCCKKK.

Okay, so I really have no excuse as to why I have not written in over a month. I have truly been exceptionally lazy. Between two jobs and keeping my head on straight from them I can safely say that I want out of here…NOW!

Updates, updates, updates:

I got into both Universities that I applied to and have chosen (drum-roll please…): Dalhousie University! Here is the real zinger, a while back you might have heard that I was interested in Kinesiology, and even way before that I wanted to be a teacher and then way before that I wanted to be a veterinarian. After considering what I was interested in this year I wanted to pursue CanoeKayak coaching further because of the lack of female representatives in coaching the sport. Considering it all and what I felt was right or me, I am choosing the path of Law. Way before I even wanted to be a veterinarian (we are talking elementary school, people) I had an avid interest in human rights, animal rights and basically being right about everything. I am obsessed with it and have spent most of my life advocating for various causes etc. Little did I know or realize that while I was busy dreaming up schemes of being a physiotherapist or teacher I had a knack for representing causes and other people/things, writing, working, being fair, persuading, not suffering fools gladly (as my father would put it), being persistent and being aggressive when need be. Thinking about the possibility of going into Law has me super excited. Of course, don’t take my word for it because as you probably know my mind wanders constantly. But for now, Law & Society with a minor in Gender & Women’s studies seems like the deal maker.

This summer I am coaching again, my other definite passion despite its frustration and difficulties. Maybe if my Law thing doesn’t work out I will try my hand at moving up the ladder in coaching even more. For now though I am happy with taking the training courses to compliment the needs of my athletes and keeping my mind fresh.

Another thing you may not know is that I am just crazy enough to drive from Calgary to Nova Scotia in two weeks for my big move. My little Mazda 3 better be ready because this girl is bringing the whole friggen house.

Oh and I am running a half-marathon in a week, can you say OUCH!

I am so excited for what lies ahead, the adventure, the fear, the difficulty, but my dream of FINALLY going to University and living in the province of nice people is coming true.

A New Year

Well Happy New Years Eve everybody! I hope everybody had a wonderful winter holiday and are ready to take on 2013 like no other! Many apologies to those who tried to get onto this blog for a few days in December, for some reason I might have repressed the “private” button therefore making it disappear from the face of the planet!

2012, wow, what a year.  While each year feels like a marathon I think 2012 is going to be that year that will be forever engraved in my mind as being the year from hell. Maybe graduating does this to you. Twelve long years comes to a halt when you walk onto that stage receiving your diploma, realizing that it is now you versus the world. Maybe realizing that you are about to complete your last Florida training camp does this to you. After many memories of being hung up on pain medication, crying because your muscles hurt or convincing yourself that dolphins and sting rays will attack you certainly does something to you. Maybe spending each day with a group of insanely active kids for a whole summer does this to you. Not only did it emphasize my lack of patience, but after coaching older kids in previous years, it taught me the art of how to be sympathetic because younger kids need that. 2012 taught me about my quest for freedom, to want things that will make me happy but realizing that these things do not just come to you and either require patience and time, or hard work and effort. I learned that I needed this gap year, despite the odd looks and doubtful attitudes of those around me. I needed to know what I wanted and where my passion lied.

So all of these things made 2012 a year that I will be happy to forget but will always remember the lessons it taught me. I learned a lot about friendship and how in each stage of your life you will have a friend who means the world to you. But when that stage of life is over, you will find another, and another and another. One for each stage. I learned that you have to be stubborn, or you will simply be walked on and told what to do. And while being stubborn makes some people doubt your abilities, it was never about pleasing them anyways but making your mark and figuring out if that is where you needed to be.

2012 was the year I let people in to my weak zone, letting them find out my daily struggles and realizing that my take on adoption is not all butterflies and rainbows. The struggle between living somewhere and feeling like you belong and yet looking in the mirror and feeling like you don’t played a big way in how I interacted with myself and others this year. Blogging to me is my outlet, the words typed are the words that linger in my head and by pressing “publish” I risk judgement from those who take an interest in it. Years of failed journals and blogs and this is the one that sticks. The blog that sticks is the blog that outlines the most precious of my thoughts and feelings. Go figure.

More important than 2012, is 2013. What will it bring and how much of what it brings will be a response to me making it happen? Philosophers can deceive you, some say that good things come to those who wait, while others say don’t wait, take the initiative and git yer shit done! The way my mind is engineered, I have to agree with philosopher number two. And with that, my New Year’s resolutions:

1) Letting go of things that hurt me. The Buddha’s right, “holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You’re the one who gets burned.”

2) Don’t suffer fools gladly. I guess I have always been this way (according to my father) so I might as well keep up the routine. Keeping a cool head in a circumstance of tom-foolery will be the utmost challenge.

3) Exercise. Every day. It is good for your body and it is good for your brain. Plus, nobody wants an out of shape coach.

4) Keep learning. I have fallen victim to this at times, allowing myself to slump into a pile of nothingness. For my sake, I will keep my brain fresh with knowledge about things that matter to me (perhaps more kayaking technique!!!)

5) Move out of Alberta. Though this has been my goal since I was young, I think it is definitely more attainable now. The caterpillar is wanting her wings.

Once again I place myself in a position of much vulnerability. You see, upon posting this to your eyes I now actually have to act upon this list. My advice, if you want something done this year make others aware of it. This way for sure there is no turning back for you!

And with that, I wish all of you a wonderful New Year and I cannot wait to hear of all of your stories. Being able to discuss my adoption openly has been an incredibly journey and it is only just starting.

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Thirteen-Year Old Me

I know that there is a video out there outlining the dangers of skin cancer aimed at thirteen year olds. I decided to play around with this a bit, adoption style. I know that when I was thirteen I was pretty convinced that I had lost myself completely and the world was going to end. And the saddest part was that I felt that I was going at it alone, truthfully, I was. No other girl in Grade Seven was dealing with the same loss emotions I had been dealing with as far as I knew. But, at that age, don’t we all try to hide the true burdens that linger with us?

Dear thirteen-year old me,

You look very pretty today! Not because you have finally mastered that eye-liner stick or finally found the right shade of foundation but because you are smiling today. A genuine smile. Yesterday was a different story. You have known all your life that you do not know a soul that looks like you or  shares your blood, and up until now you have come to accept it as part of who you are. But I understand, things are different. People will ask you questions and you are tired of making rehearsed responses. You will go to bed each night and cry yourself to sleep wondering if you will die not knowing who your family was. You will realize how ghastly wrong it is for someone to have to explain to you who your real mother is and those shows on TLC hardly help you at all. But, one thing is certain, this will pass.

People will eventually understand that the genetic make-up that defines how you look is small in comparison to the person who you are becoming by the way you interact with others. You will come to realize that only a small amount of people are out to make your life difficult, the majority care about you very much. You must help yourself by opening up a bit and allowing others in. Few will be able to completely dry away your tears or understand your problems, but at least some will. I truly respect people who are strong through hardship, even if they have every right to break down. You do not have to worry about what people will think after you tell them that you were adopted. It is not a secret that will affect your relationship afterwards. In your life you will be lied to and talked about, you cannot assume that it is always for the worst and you have to decide who is worth your tears and who is not.

Five years from now you will be different, a lot of crap got to you. The next few Junior High years will be a doozy but from there on out the ride looks pretty decent. You will become part of many families, affect many families and people, explore and discover new things, make a name for yourself. You will see new hardships, but none that you cannot handle. And at the end of the day, if it seems that most people have failed you there will still be two individuals braving your storm. Your parents. Just remember that they are the ones that cared for you when no one else did and remember that they are the ones that care for you now, even when you think you can  take care of yourself.

Sincerly,

Still growing-up me.