As I Jump in With Both Feet

I have always had dreams about what it would be like reconnecting with my past. Some of these thoughts have been dark, while others have been happy. Mostly happy. I daydream a lot too, even at 20. I am betting I look very ridiculous as I drift off into my own little world imagining scenarios that might not ever happen. What goes through my head?

I think I would have made an awful sister when I was younger. I had a lot of needs and a lot of goals. My parents had their work cut out for them. I did not like younger children or children my age very much. Was it because intellectually I felt superior? Or was it because growing up all I ever knew was adult interactions since I had no siblings? Regardless, the few times I did have to share my life with another kid I did a pretty bad job of it. That’s not to say I did not have friends; I had friends, a good number of them, but I did not have to live with them. Looking back I think I would have been one of those cool siblings at 12 or 13. I would have been a colossal jerk any younger though. It was around 12 that I got involved in volunteering at day camps and stuff so my interactions with young people were sort of mandatory.

I think about all of the things I should do if ever there is a day I meet my biological family. What if they’re poor? Should I start a fund now for the rare occasion that they may need it? If I never find them at least I will have extra cash for a splurge of some sort. What if this do not want to meet me? Is that even fair?

The reason for this spur of thoughts; I have been connecting with someone Thai…in Thailand, who may or may not be related to me. Part of me is happy that I am getting answers in some form, but another part of me has never done this before. You get gut feelings about things, I have one of those gut feelings that thinks this connection is closer than it appears to be. Almost like there is something that needs to be said but is being held back for whatever reason. This gut feeling could be completely or it could be the very thing that changes my life.


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