Oh help, here it is. The moment I have been waiting for, the idea of growing up in more ways than just career aspirations. Let me give you some insight on the events of the last few days that has sparked my sense of panic.
The other day I woke up about to go to work when I had a very sharp pain in my stomach and the sorest back triggered by sitting and laying down in certain positions. This was not the usual cramp/stomach pain that I had felt before. So twenty minutes later here we all are (because all hospital trips are a family affair) in the SUV booking it down to the *GASP Rockyview Hospital…not the Children’s Hospital. As we all are aware, waiting times in the ER are terrible, and I was in severe pain. Never had I been so ruthless in that hospital gown and chair. Oh yeah, so to save space they replaced the beds with these chairs that could somewhat lay back…still not comfortable for somebody with severe back and stomach pain. Anyways, nine hours later, an xray, ultrasound and several “Tell me what’s wrong” scenarios later, they finally figured out what’s up. Let’s just say, it was serious enough that it had me questioning the future, and my ability to have children in it. Of course, the docs were all, “Oh, just get an ultrasound three months from now” and other nonchalant phrases. With my head it got me thinking, too much.
So, let’s just say ten years from now I start the whole white picket fence, two kids and a dog thing. My fear was (and still continues to be) what if the inevitable happens and I cannot have kids?!? The obvious solution (and I am sure you all agree) would be, adoption!!! But I decided early on that I would not adopt kids, unless I truly had a sudden change of heart. Why?
Looking back at how I grew up and how I handled myself and all of the curves that come with living in a world where you are not exactly sure who you are, I decided that I could not attempt to raise myself, or someone similar again. I do not think I would have the mental capacity to look after someone who was/is as troubled as me nor do I think it would be fair to them to deal with the way I would handle them. The truth is, even now my badditude gets the worst of me, people who saw me at the hospital can attest to this. All I could think about in that hospital was, “Oh god. What if I can’t have kids?” I’m eighteen years old, why the hell would I be thinking about this now?!? Up until I was twelve I hated kids! Pain and hormones and an excruciatingly long wait time in a hospital can do these things to you apparently. But it is not unrealistic, people all the time find out that they cannot have children and the numbers are rising. They seem to go about just fine after a while (or maybe not). For me, I think I would live with that grief forever knowing that my options would be somewhat limited if I chose not to adopt. I guess growing up in a world with all of these technological advancements gives me some hope that problems can be fixed, but what if they cannot? Sorry, that is my pessimist side talking.
For now, things ‘seem’ fine and I can only hope that I will eventually find focus again in amidst a flurry of what seems to be never ending health problems. Perhaps it is hard to understand, I do not have hatred towards adoption but I guess, I have a history with it. It is a tiring history, unique to its owner. If the time comes to have that white picket fence and a dog and a family, only time will tell if I feel like digging that history back up and doing it all over again.