I arrived nice and early yesterday to a land of dryness and windy weather. But it was the typical Calgary nonsense that I have missed this whole time. Now that the summer has run its course, I can now look forward to what lies ahead-even though after a whole summer of thought I still do not know entirely what that may be. For now, I will indulge myself with a new laptop, complete with a beats audio sound system and an HD screen. Hurray for summer earnings!
I know that I always have found goodbyes and partings to be incredibly difficult. I like to think it is because I have this fear that goodbye is forever, and sometimes it is. For me, the feeling of loss is highly amplified and especially now when everything is very uncertain and unsure. Yesterday morning was difficult for me, and I knew it was going to be. Saying goodbye to the people that housed me, listened to my woes and celebrated my successes was internally something I knew I was not strong enough to deal with. And so, with that being said I tried to prevent myself from becoming an emotional mess by hurrying the hugs and hurriedly making my way to the security gate with the hope that my emotions would stall and no one would have to see me cry. But when I hugged my second mom, the one who each day took interest in my stories and dealt with my constant bickering, tears started to form in my eyes. And tears came from hers. My attempt at stopping the tears was a fail and all I could think was, how could I possibly leave these people? This place?
Last year when I left Nova Scotia after a week of visiting I knew that I would return. There was something about being there that put every bad thing going on in my life on hold. The people there seemed to really care about how you were doing and there was this sense of ease and laid back life that had me refusing to accept the fact that I was going home. This year was a bit different. I was ready to go home, not because I did not enjoy myself, but because I set out to do what I wanted to do and have no regrets about any of it. I know that I have all the power to go back and finish what I started. Leaving behind the people there was hard, and I will most likely spend the next year thinking about them daily but I know that I have a future to set up, and now I have even more people who will support me. That is what family is all about. That is what makes me realize that I am lucky to have such emotions when it comes to goodbyes.
I wrote a post earlier about how goodbyes are hard for me. And they still are, but I know now that hard goodbyes give me a sense of belonging and that I can always go back, nothing can stop me now.
“Traveling is not just seeing the new; it is also leaving behind. Not just opening doors; also closing them behind you. But the place you have left is always there for you to see whenever you shut your eyes.”